Venturing Out in Different Way
Soooo…. I don’t know why I’m writing this here. It won’t make any difference. Guess I just need to get some thought out of me.
This week has been a bit off for me. Me and my boyfriend decided to take a break. It was my initiative, and I’m glad we decided to do it. I guess I have some commitment issues. The thing is now.. I have so much free time. I guess I hadn’t really realized how time consuming it is to be in a relationship. Now that I’m not seeing him, barely even talking to him, I have so much time. And I have no idea what to do with it. So far I have mostly spent it watching tv-shows and working out. Naturally, I spend a lot of time thinking about things. My feelings mostly. Without really reaching any conclusion. A lot of things have occupied my mind these days, and yesterday when I was trying to sleep, this thought hit me. I have never really thought about it before. But I think I kind of feel like I’m wasting my potential, studying the things I study.
When I was a child I was always considered clever. I was the best in my class in most subjects, I was offered to skip a grade just so I would finally get challenged (I didn’t do it because I was scared of not finding new friends). I was considered to be talented. I was particularly good at math, the social sciences, languages (Swedish, English, German) and music. I was creative, I played instruments, I had a great imagination and used to write so many stories. But somehow, I feel like all that talent has disappeared.
When I started high school I chose between a music high school in Stockholm and IB (International Baccalaureate) in Göteborg. I did admission tests for both of the school, and I was admitted to both. But I decided to go with the music school. I have never really regretted my decision, because I had three amazing years at that school and I had wonderful teachers, and wonderful friends. Still. I can’t help but wonder what my life could have been like if I had chosen IB. In the end, I ended up not continueing music after high school. Being in a music school deprived me on some of the benefits I would have had from IB. I have not studied the same subjects as most people, and that makes it difficult for me to get in to programmes at uni now, or even be eligible for them.
I can’t help but feeling like I have wasted me talent. I had so much potential when I was younger. And I had so much motivation. But somehow I have lost both. I’ve tried taking up math again, but failed. I felt too stupid, too hopeless to ever be able to understand it again. I can’t stand feeling stupid. I’ve tried to take up my German, but my tries doesn’t last very long. I feel like, when I ended high school I left all my motivation and skills behind. Nothing comes easy to me anymore.
So far I have studied psychology, Asian studies, development studies and economic geography at university. I feel like I could spend my time in so many better ways, than to constantly write essays and group papers. And that’s what my education has been about so far. I should be better than this. I should be able to do more than this. I should do more than just reading and writing, I have not improved it as long as I have been at uni. I know people say that studying is never a waste of time, and I guess it probably isn’t. I’ve made many great friends while studying. But… I still can’t help but feel like everything I’ve done has been a waste of time. I know I’m still young, and have my whole life ahead of me. Thinking about this makes me sad. So I guess I usually try not to. I just try to finish what I’ve started.
Happiness is a Swedish sunset. It is there for all, but most of us look the other way and lose it. — Mark Twain (via stockholmnotebook)
Sometimes I feel like I just cut my hair short because I want to look like Carey Mulligan. Sometimes is pretty much all the time.
money can’t buy happiness but it can buy a false sense of security and fruity alcoholic beverages to numb the pain and honestly what’s the difference
Anyone here who has any recipes they could recommend that has hoisin sauce in it? I have this huge jar, and the taste is so special I really don’t know what to make of it. Please share your food with me?!