Venturing Out in Different Way
Soooo…. I don’t know why I’m writing this here. It won’t make any difference. Guess I just need to get some thought out of me.
This week has been a bit off for me. Me and my boyfriend decided to take a break. It was my initiative, and I’m glad we decided to do it. I guess I have some commitment issues. The thing is now.. I have so much free time. I guess I hadn’t really realized how time consuming it is to be in a relationship. Now that I’m not seeing him, barely even talking to him, I have so much time. And I have no idea what to do with it. So far I have mostly spent it watching tv-shows and working out. Naturally, I spend a lot of time thinking about things. My feelings mostly. Without really reaching any conclusion. A lot of things have occupied my mind these days, and yesterday when I was trying to sleep, this thought hit me. I have never really thought about it before. But I think I kind of feel like I’m wasting my potential, studying the things I study.
When I was a child I was always considered clever. I was the best in my class in most subjects, I was offered to skip a grade just so I would finally get challenged (I didn’t do it because I was scared of not finding new friends). I was considered to be talented. I was particularly good at math, the social sciences, languages (Swedish, English, German) and music. I was creative, I played instruments, I had a great imagination and used to write so many stories. But somehow, I feel like all that talent has disappeared.
When I started high school I chose between a music high school in Stockholm and IB (International Baccalaureate) in Göteborg. I did admission tests for both of the school, and I was admitted to both. But I decided to go with the music school. I have never really regretted my decision, because I had three amazing years at that school and I had wonderful teachers, and wonderful friends. Still. I can’t help but wonder what my life could have been like if I had chosen IB. In the end, I ended up not continueing music after high school. Being in a music school deprived me on some of the benefits I would have had from IB. I have not studied the same subjects as most people, and that makes it difficult for me to get in to programmes at uni now, or even be eligible for them.
I can’t help but feeling like I have wasted me talent. I had so much potential when I was younger. And I had so much motivation. But somehow I have lost both. I’ve tried taking up math again, but failed. I felt too stupid, too hopeless to ever be able to understand it again. I can’t stand feeling stupid. I’ve tried to take up my German, but my tries doesn’t last very long. I feel like, when I ended high school I left all my motivation and skills behind. Nothing comes easy to me anymore.
So far I have studied psychology, Asian studies, development studies and economic geography at university. I feel like I could spend my time in so many better ways, than to constantly write essays and group papers. And that’s what my education has been about so far. I should be better than this. I should be able to do more than this. I should do more than just reading and writing, I have not improved it as long as I have been at uni. I know people say that studying is never a waste of time, and I guess it probably isn’t. I’ve made many great friends while studying. But… I still can’t help but feel like everything I’ve done has been a waste of time. I know I’m still young, and have my whole life ahead of me. Thinking about this makes me sad. So I guess I usually try not to. I just try to finish what I’ve started.
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“Happiness is a Swedish sunset. It is there for all, but most of us look the other way and lose it.” — Mark Twain (via stockholmnotebook)
(via missadelaida)
Sometimes I feel like I just cut my hair short because I want to look like Carey Mulligan. Sometimes is pretty much all the time.
2073:
money can’t buy happiness but it can buy a false sense of security and fruity alcoholic beverages to numb the pain and honestly what’s the difference
(via adventuresofcaptainficklesworth)
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Anyone here who has any recipes they could recommend that has hoisin sauce in it? I have this huge jar, and the taste is so special I really don’t know what to make of it. Please share your food with me?!